Orcs have some gruel
by Bug-Eyed Earl
Summary: Legolas witnesses firsthand the revolting nature of Sauron and his orcs. Very gross.
1. "A delightful bouquet, Robert!"

ORCS HAVE SOME GRUEL  
  
I don't own Lord of the Rings. And it was nice knowing you- Christopher Tolkien is going to have me killed if he ever reads this.  
  
  
  
Before you all start flaming me, I should say that this is almost verbatim from a scene in Peter Jackson's first film, "Bad Taste." I merely replaced it with LOTR characters, though I added a few of my own jokes.  
  
Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli crept through the passages of the Dark Tower, seeking out the Enemy that anyone else would have been insane to seek out: the Dark Lord Sauron.  
  
Aragorn wielded the sword of his ancestor Elendil, named Narsil, rechristened Anduril when it was reforged. Gimlia kept a tight grip on his axe, and the ef Legolas kept his bow drawn.  
  
Suddenly, they heard a deep, growling voice coming from nearby. Aragorn silently gestured to a door immediately ahead of them, and slowly opened it, at first peeking in, then going all the way inside when he saw the coast was clear. It appeared to bre a kitchen,and at the far end was a pile of boxes with what appeared to be blood soaking through.  
  
Gimli started to rush forward to check out the boxes when he slipped and fell on a huge puddle of blood on the floor.  
  
"Mop that up!" whispered Aragorn. Legolas rushed over to the corner where a mop was kept,and started to mop up the blood.  
  
Suddenly, a huge, helmeted orc walked in carrying a glass bowl. Before he could react, Aragorn slashed his stomach open, and his intestines started to pour out onto the floor. The orc looked at Aragorn. Aragorn looked at the orc. Both looked at his intestines as they continued to unravel out onto the floor. Aragorn swung at him with his sword, taking off his arm, which flew across the room and landed on Legolas's face and grabbed ahold, and the elf struggled to get it off. He flailed about trying to yank it free, crashing into the walls and finally rolling across te countertop was he able to wrench it off. He looked at it, and as he glared at it, it flipped him off.  
  
"Oh, you think you're funny, don't you?" sneered the elf. He tossed the and in the air, whipped out is bow and fired an arrow at it, impaling it and sending it flying across the room. The hand was neatly nailed to the wall and went limp.  
  
While all this insanity was ensuing the bowl the orc was holding flew through the air, and Gimli managed to grab it before it hit the floor,though he had to dive to catch it. He landed in th epuddle of blood and went skidding across the floor, face first into the wall. Luckily, dwarves had hard heads, so Gimli was barely fazed-though he was rubbing his nose when he got up.  
  
Aragorn swung at the orc again, cutting off his leg. Now the orc was really mad and started to hop towards Isildur's heir, snarling. Gimli ran up and axed him in the chest. The orc groaned in pain.  
  
"Keep him quiet!" hissed Aragorn as Gimli strangled him.Finally Aragorn grabbed him by the head and twisted, a little harder than he expected as the head was wrenched off. Aragorn drop-kicked the head out the window.  
  
"The old magic's still there," said Aragorn, smiling. Suddenly,a booming voice came from the next room. " Grakkic! Hurry up!"  
  
"I think they're expecting our friend," said Legolas.  
  
"I'll put on his armor and his helmet and go in and see what Sauron is plotting," said Aragorn, undressing the orc. As he did, the body released a post-mortem gas right in his face. Aragorn took one whiff, crossed his eyes, giggled stupidly, and passed out.  
  
"I guess it's up to me, then," said Legolas. "watch him until he wakes up."  
  
Gimli handed Legolas the bowl. "He was carrying this," he said. "Stay safe, son of Thranduil."  
  
Sauron stood addressing an assembly of orcs from an elevated throne.  
  
"Our conquest of Middle-Earth is going as planned, as the Elves seem to have become a bunch of pointy-eared pussies since the end of the Second Age,"  
  
Legolas entered dressed as the orc and carrying his bowl and walked amongst the group.  
  
"A squadron of our best Uruk-hai was wiped out this morning near the borders by a group of real assholes," growled the Dark Lord. Legolas knew they were talking about the group they had killed when they entered Mordor.  
  
"But you, my men, have done exceptionally well in discovering the exciting new taste sensation when you found the colony of halflings that lived north of Gondor," with that, Legolas realized what was in the boxes- dead hobbits! "Now that my troops are well fed, there willbe no stopping us. So let us have a celebratory gruel! Robert, is it ready?"  
  
One orc, who was drolling, cross-eyed and clearly retarded, nodded. A quartet of orcs grabbed another him and picked him up and tilted him to a 90 degree angle and carried him up to Legolas. The elf played along as they placed his head over the bowl, but was unprepared for what happened next.  
  
Robert the orc started puking into the bowl, a thick green glop. Legolas was repulsed, and it took all of his self control not to join in the puking.  
  
Robert kept puking and ouking until the bowl was almostfull. Then, the other orcs set himdown on the floor, and Sauron walked up. Legolas handed him the bowl of stinking, steaming, chunk-filled goop. Then, it got worse. Sauron tilted the bowl up to his face, and drank. He made horrible slurping sounds as he drank, and when he finished his drink, he lowered the bowl and smiled, with a dab of puke on his nose.  
  
"A delightful bouquet, Robert" said the fallen Maia. He then handed the bowl to the nearest orc and exited the room. As the orc took sips and passed the bowlaround, Legolas tried to sneak his way back to the door. Meanwhile, Gimli was peeking in, and was grinning, highly amused by the proceedings.  
  
As the orcs took their drinks, each one addedto a cacophany of wet belching, stinking up the room even worse. As Legolas slowly crept away, the belches got closer and closer to him. When he turned, and realized every orc in the room was staring at him,all with puke mustaches.The nearest one was holding out the bowl, smiling.  
  
"Got puke?" it asked. Realizing what he had to do, Legolas reached out for the bowl, his helmet disguising his disgust. He looked at the green, lumpy glop, and shuddered. Gimli was watching from the door, grinning gleefully and eagerly. Finally, he did what he had to do. Legolas raised the bowl to his lips and drank the puke, trying to pretend it was pistachio pudding, which it certainly looked like. Suddenly, his eyes widened in surprise-it was the most delicious thing he had ever tasted! So he took a few more gulps before another orc wrenched it out of his hands. then, the orcs went back about their business and started to file out the door. Legolas went back into the kitchen where Aragorn had awoken and Gimli was trying to stifle his laughter.  
  
Aragorn looked at the Prince of Mirkwood quizzically, and madea "wipe your mouth" gesture across his face. Legolas wiped histhe puke off of his lips with his hands and tried to act disgusted.  
  
"You won't believe what I had to do," he moaned.  
  
"Let's go," said Aragorn, sheathing Anduril. Gimli grabbed his axe, and the trio made their way to the nearest exit. As soon as the dwarf's and the man's backs were turned, Legolas licked the puke off of his fingers like a kid with melted chocolate on their mitts.  
  
  
  
  
  
Yes, that was horrible. But I feel I should at least say that I don't hate Legolas, and that Orlando Bloom gave a terific performance. This is also a scene from LOTR director Peter Jackson's first movie "Bad Taste" with LOTr characters put in. I added a lot of myown jokes though,and it was only after careful consideration that I decided Legolas should drink the vomit.  
  
Now,I bid you adieu. I have to bar my doors to keep the hordes of furious fangirls out(maybe Christopher Tolkien isn't the one I should be worries about). 


	2. Oompa Loompas?

Legolas knew Gimli was never going to let him live down the orc vomit incident, so he was almost glad to be in the dark tower- to move unseen and unheard, they had to keep their traps shut.  
  
Aragorn had almost led them outside when he stopped. Holding up a hand to tell his two companions to stop, he started sniffing the air. Legolas has smelt it first, but elves had little interest in-  
  
"Cookies," whispered Gimli, excitedly.  
  
"Why the hell would the Dark Lord be baking cookies?" whispered Legolas.  
  
"I haven't a clue," said Aragorn. "from what I was told as a child, Sauron lived on fish heads and dusty old peanut shells. I am wary of his sudden interest in baked confectionaries."  
  
"Should we check it out?" asked gimli.  
  
"I daresay we should," said Aragorn.  
  
"I agree," said Legolas. "Sauron loked way too thin to be someone who lives on baked goods alone. He is plotting something.'  
  
"What do you mean, 'looked way too thin?' Do you think that was Sauron in there?" sasked Aragorn. "I know that voice. That was the Black Lieutenant, the Mouth of Sauron. Consider yourself fortunate that you didn't cross paths with the Accursed himself."  
  
Suddenly, a large orc chieftain dropped down from above them, knocking down Gimli and Legolas. The tubby orc beat his chest and snarled. Aragorn snarled back and unsheathed Anduril.The orc chieftain raised his spear and the two charged. Their weapons clashed together, and after a few clangs, the orc batted Anduril out of Aragorn's grasp.  
  
"Now you've really pissed me off, you jiggly bitch!" Aragorn charged the orc unarmed. The orc thrust his spear at him, but Aragorn responded by jumping on it and running down the end(he was raised by elves, after all) maintaining perfect balance. when he got to the end, he let out a might ki- yi(that's the martial arts yell; a hi-ya is one of many) and kicked the orc in the face. He back-flipped off the spear and assumed a karate stance. The orc recovered and ran toward Aragorn again. When it was in range, Aragorn poked the orc in several places all over the body in rapid succession. The orc was too surprised at this bizarre tactic to fight back. Aragorn poked him one more time in the neck and stood back.The orc's head started to puff up like a cyst, and Aragorn, knowing what was coming, darted around a corner.But in his haste., he forgot about Legolas and Gimli, who were just now coming too.  
  
"Aragorn, what hap-" BOOM! Legolas' words were cut off as the orc's head exploded in a rain of brain crap. Both the dwarf and the elf were showered in the black gore. As the elf and dwarf stood there, frozen and mortified, Aragorn came outfrombehind the coner,his hands up apologetically.  
  
"Sorry, there wasn't anytime to warn you." Angrily, the hapless duo wiped the orc gunk off their faces.  
  
"You're dead when we get out of here, Aragorn," said Gimli. "you're going to get an ass-kicking to go with every name you go by! Oh, wait, I forgot the cookies!" With that, Gimli ran off to see what the Dark Lord was baking.  
  
"You don't come between a dwarf and his sweets," sighed Legolas. "Go after him. I'll catch up."  
  
Aragorn nodded, trusting the elf's ability to take careof himself.  
  
Legolas turned to the dead orc chieftain, and pulled out his knife. He was starving. Hopefully there was still some fresh vo-  
  
OK, I'll spare you what happens next.  
  
The room was immense, and an intense heat permeated every squre inch of it.Aragorn and Gimli saw why. what appeared to be giant oven's lined the wall. Each was 60 feet high, and  
  
Working the ovens was a new kind of orc they had never seen before: Orca Borcas they were even shorter than regular orcs, and had orange skin, white eyebrows, and wisps of green hair. But they still had the unmistakable orcface and raspy voice.which made it even worse to hear them sing.  
  
(sung tothe tune of the Oompa Loompa song)  
  
  
  
"Orc-a Bor-cas graz nagh na dee  
  
If you are wise you will listen to me.  
  
What do you get when you fuck with our Lord  
  
He who resides in the dark land of...uh...Mord.' (the Orca Borca who screwed this up was immediately killed for his lack of improvisation skills)  
  
Fighting who only fools would combat  
  
What do you think will come of that?  
  
Orc-a Borc-a az nagal ey dine  
  
If you dont fight you will be fine.  
  
You will love slavery too  
  
Like the Orc Borca doompidy doo. (Another Orca Borca was killed for not reciting this verse in the Black Speech)  
  
  
  
"I can't take much more!" hissed Gimli. "Must...kill...something!"  
  
"Our time will come," whispered Aragorn.  
  
Legolas joined them then, licking green goo off of his fingers.  
  
"What is that?" he whispered in awe.  
  
"We're about to find out" whispered Aragorn as one of the nearest ovens was opened with a tremendous scraping sound. The inside of the oven had so many flames in it that they could barely see what they were bringing out through a ridiculously complicated pulley system.  
  
But when itwaslowered they could see several humanoid shapes. the Orca Borcas hopped up and down excitedly, when suddenly there was the sound of a hundred orcs growling at once. They soon realized that the shapes were growling, and they were already feebly attmepting to move.  
  
Saruon was baking an army of orcs out of some kind of mystical cookie dough.  
  
If anyone else wans to use the Orca Borcas, go right ahead. 


End file.
